Blue
by solarhalfbreed
Summary: A short Miriallia POV taking place around episode 31 in the series. Spoilers for anyone who hasn’t seen past 30. [Warning: Death]
1. The Dark

**Title:** Blue  
**Author:** solarhalfbreed  
**Fandom:** Gundam SEED  
**Genre:** Angst/Death

**Summary:** A short Miriallia POV taking place around episode 31 in the series. Spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen past 30. This work is no longer a songfic, but was inspired by the song "Blue" by A Perfect Circle.

**I. The Dark**

Time could have stopped. Earth could have ceased rotation. The whole world as I knew it could have come to a complete standstill and then collapsed on top of itself in that moment, and I wouldn't have noticed a thing.

There was just me, and a monitor staring me in the face. Sirens went off in my head. Something had happened. Something wasn't right. Something, from that split second until my dying day, would never be the same again.

_Signal lost._

I just didn't want to know.

I called out to them. I repeated their names, both of them, over and over, doing whatever I could to keep the rapidly dissipating hope I still had in me from vanishing completely.

But there was no response. Not from Kira...

...Not from Tolle.

Tolle...? It couldn't be. There must have been some mistake...surely he's just having communication problems. It couldn't be...

Even as I attempted to reconcile with myself, to brush it off as unreal, reality was kicking in. Slowly it started seeping into me, poisoning me, dissolving every possible excuse I had hastily created just to keep myself from going mad.

I couldn't let myself give in to it...I had to keep those hopes, no matter how naïve, alive...but that was when I began to feel something. Something I had never felt before, and the single worst thing I've ever felt.

Nothing. An ominous, terrifying emptiness.

Slowly I started to feel more and more as if I was being somehow hollowed out. There was a sense of security that I had mere moments ago that was suddenly just gone. I had lost my grip. I was grabbing for things that weren't there anymore.

He was gone.

I spent a long time in a daze after that. I left the bridge...I never wanted to see that screen again. What a horrible, unceremonious thing it was to have the most heartbreaking news I've ever been given delivered by two words on a computer screen. And yet that was all that it took to turn me into this; someone who roamed the ship aimlessly like a zombie, desperately searching for a better answer to a question I already knew the real answer to, wanting to die. If I died, would I be with him again in heaven? It was a risk I was more than willing to take at the time.

I roamed the ship until exhausted, and from then on I suffered in silence as I carried out my duties like before. Occasionally my grief drove me to do stupid things...I almost killed someone once. He was taken in as a prisoner and I, utterly blinded by a combination of devastation and rage, assumed it had been him who was responsible. Responsible for the death of the one person whom I loved more than anything else in the world, and consequently for the unbelievable grief it had instilled in me. And I tried to kill him.

But that's not what he would have wanted. Even if it _was_ that guy who had been responsible for his death, he wouldn't have wanted that. That didn't fit into his outlook on life, be it that of a Coordinator or a Natural.

Moments later, I _saved_ his life.

That could have been the first sign of my "recovery". I knew the second that message appeared on the screen I would never fully recover, but that was the first time I had acted with a clear head since I learned of his death.

A short while later, to our complete astonishment, Kira came back. And he was alive and well. I was, of course, happy that he was alive, but his return revived some of the former hopes I had harbored about Tolle. Kira was alive. Maybe that means...

But Kira was alone. And after a few hours of his return, not a word was spoken regarding Tolle. Those faint traces of hope that had resurfaced upon his return quietly died again.

I thought about asking him. I came close to just walking right up to him and asking, straight-out, what had happened to Tolle. But then I realized it could do no good. If I knew exactly what had happened, I would spend the rest of my life having detailed nightmares about that day. And I would rather my nightmares have as little detail as possible.

So I left it alone. My futile hopes were all gone now anyway. There was nothing left to assume, and nothing else to pray for. My boyfriend, my love, was dead. I would never see him again. The absence I felt, while it may be soothed in time, would never be filled. It was all facts now. Facts that I will never, ever know, because just the knowledge that he's gone forever is enough on its own. I'll never know exactly what happened to him. And I hope no one ever tells me.

Because I don't want to know.


	2. The Light

**Blue**  
Part II: The Light  
By solarhalfbreed

It's been three years. Three long, painful years.

I'd be lying if I said I've moved on. I cried myself to sleep for a good year after it happened; I still do, occasionally. Sometimes I'll see something that reminds me of him - and no matter how insignificant, it brings a tear to my eye.

Sometimes I'll see something and the first thing that pops into my head is "Tolle would love this". Sometimes I'll turn around to tell him before I realize he's not there.

He would have wanted me to move on. I know he would have hoped I'd find someone new to love. He doesn't want me to be alone. But I know there will be no replacement for him.

I don't believe I am alone.

I believe he is with me all the time. Watching over me, like a guardian angel. I believe when I laugh, he laughs with me. When I cry, he cries for me. When I smile, he smiles at me.

I believe he still loves me. I hope he still loves me, because I still love him. I always will.

I know he's in Heaven. I believe I'll meet him there when I die. I hope he's waiting for me there.

Sometimes I imagine that on clear days I can see straight into Heaven. If there's even a patch of blue sky, I'll look at it, and imagine he's looking down on me.

I smile and reach my hand out to the blue, and I can almost see him reaching down to me. It's our promise that we'll be together again one day in Paradise. And with that, I am happy.

I know I'm not alone.

_"There has never been a day  
when I remembered you  
because there's never been a time  
when I've ever forgotten you."_  
-Ayumi Hamasaki


End file.
